Depression, grief, and finding the rainbow after the storm.

When life gives you lemons..

The last couple of days have been harder than usual for me. I’ve been thinking a lot about this time last year, and about missing my sister. It’s strange the way life works sometimes. One minute, a person is in your life, and the next, they’re now, and there’s absolutely nothing that you can do about it.

I try to think about the good memories, but at the moment, the grief is clouding them, so all I feel when I think about her is that crippling sense of loss. I wish that I’d been able to save her. I wish that I’d been able to do something… anything.

Last year, watching her basically self destruct, with no effective way to actually help her, was torture. Watching someone you love go downhill so quickly, they’re like a snowball on one of those old animations; rolling down a hill, getting bigger and bigger until they’re the size of a huge boulder, which smashes at the bottom.

I miss her so much. She was always there. We spent so many hours talking, often about total nonsense, but it was nice to feel that she was there, and that she cared. I wish I could say that I was as good a friend to her as she was to me. I wish I could say that I helped, at least in some small way to make things better for her, but clearly, it wasn’t enough.

I truly hope she’s at peace now. I have to believe that, because if I don’t, then this pain will kill me. That is my rainbow; and if I don’t have that, then live is just darkness.