One Year On..
This is going to be an extremely personal post. I make no apologies for this. Sometimes, there are days when you need to just write what’s on your heart.
One year ago today, my life was ripped apart, when I found my sister and best friend, in her bed, having passed away. That day will be forever imprinted on my mind as one of the worst days of my life. I felt like my heart was literally breaking.
I did all the things I was supposed to do; calling the ambulance, and filling in all the paperwork; the notifications to friends and family; calling the funeral directors. That day, it felt like everyone wanted a piece of me, and all I wanted was to curl in on myself and hide away and never come out. I watched as the police were called and the house was declared a crime scene. We were asked to leave while they decided that there weren’t actually any suspicious circumstances.
I kept thinking that this had to be some kind of crazy nightmare and all I needed was to wake up, but this nightmare wouldn’t end. Seeing the coroner’s report; planning the funeral; organising the financial affairs, and executing the will.
She had a plain wood coffin with no lacquer and we decorated it with photos, and messages from her friends and family. My Mum painted wild flowers all around it, and I used pyrography to put the details into it.
The day of the funeral passed in a bit of a blur. I stood up and gave my tribute. I don’t know how I got through it. I honestly don’t. I certainly don’t know how I got through it without my usual coping mechanism.
After the funeral, life sort of just goes on. People go back to their own lives, and I was left with all of the grief and all of the pain, and no idea of what to do with it. I finished up the business affairs, and got through Christmas and New Year, only to be confronted by the news that an inquest had been called. I had to give a statement to the police. Four hours later, and emotionally exhausted, I was done. Then all I could do was wait for the date of the inquest.
When that day came, I was terrified. I think I spent most of the day in a daze. I was called to give evidence under oath, before the coroner finally gave a verdict of accidental death.
I was finally able to collect her official death certificates two days before my birthday.
I miss her every day. I remember things; stupid things, and I wonder if there was something that I could have done differently; if there was something I could have done to save her.
The pain of missing her is so intense and acute, and sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop, or whether it might eventually kill me, but then I realise that I have to carry on. I have to live for us both now. I have to do all the things we were going to do.
I so wish that I could have saved her. The only thing I can hope is that she is now at peace. She never truly was during her life, but I have to believe that she is now happy, even if that means not having her here with me.
So, Kiri, one year on, I just want to say that I love you. I miss you. There won’t be a day that goes by when I don’t think of you, and that I really hope that you’re pain free and at peace now.
No more pain. No more hurting. No more trauma.
Just joy. Lots of laughter. And plenty of love.
Li Carter is a writer, artist and crafter. She lives in South Wales, UK, with her family, and five rescue dogs. She’s on Twitter @rbcreativeli , Facebook: Rainbow Butterfly Creative, and Instagram @rainbowbutterflycreative and is the author of My Only True Friend: The Beginning. She is currently working on a new series titled The QuickSilver Chronicles. She is the original Rainbow Butterfly, and wants to fill an ever darkening world with a little bit of beauty and creativity.