I’ve been a bit tearful tonight. There’s a blog post I’ve had in my head for a month or so now, and I haven’t been able to write it. Partly Muriel’s fault, but not completely this time.

In some respects, there is the paralysing fear of not finding the right words; of not being able to put into words effectively, what I’m trying to say. I know it sounds stupid, and I don’t even know why it’s so important to me, but this specific post talks about something I’ve lived with for the best part of the last thirteen years, and I want to be able to write it in a way that encapsulates the entire experience, and I don’t know if I can actually do that yet. It’s also something that’s incredibly painful to talk about, and if I’m honest; truly honest, I don’t think I can face looking at it in that much detail.

I almost didn’t write anything here tonight. My mindset was along the lines of “If I’m not good enough to write that, then am I really good enough to write anything”, but I can’t let that voice win. I can’t stop writing, because if I do, then that high pitched, cackling voice wins, and I can’t let that happen. I won’t be silenced any more, even if there are times when I have to admit that it isn’t the write time for certain things. I hate having to admit that, but I know that I don’t want to write anything substandard, and in order to make sure that this doesn’t happen, I have to be sensible; I have to sometimes admit defeat to the smaller battles, in order that I can win the bigger ones.

So that’s what I will do. The post in question, will remain in drafts, until I feel ready to be able to write it and do it justice, and in the meantime, I will write other things, because I refuse to be silenced.