When the pain of grief is just too much.
It would have been my sister’s birthday on Friday. We wouldn’t have done anything massively special. She would have opened her presents. There would have been cake, and probably take away.
This year, I booked to go to the tattooist. She’s a very good friend of mine, and she spent the day doing a very special tattoo designed by my bestie, to cover up some scars (which is another blog post entirely).
The thing is, that I kept myself very busy; almost too busy, if I’m being honest, and it’s only really hitting me now (and I find myself cursing my faulty ‘delayed reaction’ brain).
I miss her. I miss her so much it physically hurts. It’s like I’m laying on the floor and someone (possibly Wil E Coyote) has dropped an anvil on my chest. It’s hard to explain the feeling of grief. It’s the sort of thing that there aren’t really words to describe. It’s watching the world go by from behind a glass screen, and even though you hate it, you also know that it’s the only way that you can get through because without that screen, the pain would simply completely engulf you.
I have a short recording of her voice. I listened to it the other day and although it hurt, it was also so nice at the same time. To think that I’m never going to be able to talk to her again is something I fear I won’t ever get over.
I’d give anything to have her back, but I know that can’t happen. I have to believe that she’s at peace now. I have to. Because if I can’t believe that, then the pain of losing her will kill me.
That’s the thing with grief. It is complete. It is absolute. It is unavoidable. It is inevitable. And it will come for us all; and all we can do is try our best not to let it consume us. So if you’re reading this and you get it, please know that I am with you. I feel your pain, and I pray that somehow, we can get through it.
Li Carter is a writer, artist and crafter. She lives in South Wales, UK, with her family, and five rescue dogs. She’s on Twitter @rbcreativeli , Facebook: Rainbow Butterfly Creative, and Instagram @rainbowbutterflycreative and is the author of My Only True Friend: The Beginning. She is currently working on a new series titled The QuickSilver Chronicles. She is the original Rainbow Butterfly, and wants to fill an ever darkening world with a little bit of beauty and creativity.